8 Signs You Were Raised By a Toxic Mother - Growth Lodge (2023)

In this article, we’ll explore 8 signs you were raised by a toxic mother, the impact it can have on your emotional and mental well-being, and also what you can do about it.

Raising a child is one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences a parent can go through. It’s a journey filled with love, laughter, and growth.

But what happens when the person responsible for raising a child is toxic?

The effects of a toxic mother on a child’s emotional and mental well-being can be devastating and long-lasting. Imagine growing up in an environment where you’re constantly belittled, criticized, and rejected.

Where you never feel safe, loved, or supported. Where you’re forced to navigate a maze of emotional landmines every day. This is the reality for many children who were raised by toxic mothers.

We’ll delve deep into the effects of growing up in an emotionally or physically abusive, neglectful environment and how it can shape a person’s life long after they’ve left their childhood home.

1. Chronic feelings of guilt and shame

One way a toxic mother may create feelings of guilt and shame in her child is through constant criticism and blame. She may blame her child for her own mistakes or problems, and make her child feel guilty for things that are not their fault.

For example, a toxic mother may blame her child for her unhappy marriage, or for not being successful in her career. This can cause the child to feel guilty and ashamed for things that are not their responsibility.

Another way a toxic mother may create feelings of guilt and shame is through manipulation and control. She may use guilt and shame as a way to control her child’s behavior and decisions.

For example, a toxic mother may use guilt and shame to force her child to do things that she wants, or to prevent her child from doing things that she does not want them to do.

2. Fear of expressing your emotions

Imagine growing up with a mother who constantly belittled you, gaslight you, and made you feel like your emotions were invalid. It’s not hard to see how that kind of environment can lead to a fear of expressing emotions.

When a toxic mother raises someone, they may learn that their emotions are not important and that they should just keep them to themselves. They may also learn that expressing their emotions will lead to further criticism, manipulation, or even abuse.

(Video) 10 Signs of Emotional Abuse from Parents

This can make it difficult for them to trust their feelings and to feel comfortable sharing them with others.

Additionally, the mother may also model unhealthy ways of expressing emotions, such as yelling, belittling, or becoming emotionally manipulative.

This can make it difficult for the child to learn healthy ways of expressing their emotions, leading to a fear of expressing them in the future.

Ultimately, the fear of expressing emotions is a result of years of being told that your emotions don’t matter, being invalidated, and being exposed to unhealthy ways of expressing emotions.

[Related: 5 Defining Traits of Highly Toxic People]

3. Constantly comparing yourself to others

In situations like this, toxic mothers often create an environment where their children constantly feel inadequate and like they can never measure up.

They may constantly compare their children to others, whether it be their siblings, other family members, or even strangers. In some cases, a toxic mother may even go as far as to compare her children to each other, which can lead to sibling rivalry and feelings of jealousy.

This can be especially damaging as it can create a rift between siblings and make them feel like they are in constant competition with each other.

They may also use these comparisons as a way to control and manipulate their children, by making them feel like they are not good enough unless they meet certain standards. This can lead to a lifetime of feeling inadequate and constantly searching for validation from others.

Some mothers often have very high expectations for their children, and may be quick to criticize and belittle them when they don’t meet those expectations.

This can also contribute to the feeling of constantly having to measure up to others, as the child may feel like they can never do enough to please their mother.

4. A tendency to attract and/or tolerate toxic relationships and people.

Have you ever found yourself attracted to people who treat you poorly or do you tolerate toxic behavior in relationships? This could be a sign that you were raised by a toxic mother.

Growing up in a toxic environment can shape our beliefs and behaviors in adulthood. When a child is raised by a toxic mother, they may internalize the unhealthy dynamics and believe that it is normal to be treated poorly.

(Video) 7 Signs of a Toxic Family

They may also have a hard time setting boundaries and recognizing red flags in relationships because they never learned how to do so in their childhood.

A toxic mother may also make their child feel guilty for standing up for themselves or leaving the toxic relationship, making it even harder for the child to break free from the cycle.

This can lead to a pattern of attracting or tolerating toxic relationships and people, as the child may believe that is all they deserve. It’s important to note that healing from this type of upbringing takes time and self-reflection.

It’s not something that can be fixed overnight. However, with the help of a therapist and by learning to set healthy boundaries, it is possible to break the cycle and learn to attract healthier relationships in the future.

[Also read: 10 Signs You Have a Toxic Daughter-In-Law]

5. Low self-confidence

Growing up in a toxic environment can have a profound impact on a person’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. A toxic mother often uses different unhealthy tactics to assert her dominance over her child.

This can lead to the child constantly feeling belittled, judged, and never good enough. When a child is constantly told they are not good enough or are made to feel like they are a burden, it can create a sense of insecurity and self-doubt.

This can manifest in a lack of confidence in one’s abilities, a fear of failure, and a constant need for validation and approval. A child may also internalize the negative messages they receive from their mother, believing that they are truly not worthy of love or success.

A toxic mother may also use manipulation and control to keep their child isolated and dependent on them. This can lead to the child feeling trapped and unable to assert themselves or make their own choices.

They may also struggle to form healthy relationships with others, as they have never been given the opportunity to develop the skills needed to navigate social interactions.

6. Finding it hard to accept and give love

It’s common thing for people who were raised by toxic mothers to have difficulty accepting and giving love.

This kind of environment can make a child feel worthless and unlovable, leading them to believe that they don’t deserve to be loved or that they are incapable of loving others.

As a result, they may have a hard time accepting love from others. They may push people away or sabotage their relationships because they don’t believe they are worthy of love. They may also find it difficult to trust others or open themselves up emotionally.

(Video) 9 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect

On the other hand, they may also have a hard time giving love. They may be afraid of getting hurt or of being rejected, so they may hold back from expressing their feelings or from getting too close to others.

They may also struggle to empathize with others or to show affection, as they may not have learned how to do so in a healthy way.

[Also read: 6 Toxic Behaviors That Have Been Normalized By Society]

7. Constant need for validation

When someone constantly seeks validation, it can be a sign that they were raised by a toxic mother.

This type of behavior is often a coping mechanism developed in childhood to compensate for the lack of emotional support and validation that the individual received from their mother.

Think about it like this: A child growing up with a mother who is constantly critical and belittling, never offering words of encouragement or praise. As a child, you may have felt like you were always walking on eggshells, never quite sure if you were doing something right or wrong.

This constant fear and uncertainty can lead to a deep-seated need for validation from others as a way to make up for the validation that was missing in your childhood. This need for validation isn’t just limited to seeking approval from others, it can also manifest in other ways.

For example, someone who was raised by a toxic mother may have a constant need to prove themselves to others, whether it’s through their work or their relationships.

They may even go to great lengths to seek recognition and validation from others, even if it means putting themselves in uncomfortable or compromising situations. It’s also worth noting that this need for validation can be a double-edged sword.

On one hand, it can be a driving force that helps someone to achieve their goals and succeed in life.

On the other hand, it can also lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as the individual may never feel like they are truly worthy of the validation they are seeking.

8. Frequent feelings of anxiety or depression

Feeling anxiety or depression is a common experience for many people, but it can also be a sign that someone was raised by a toxic mother. A toxic mother can leave lasting scars on a child’s mental and emotional health, and the symptoms can continue into adulthood.

This is why it’s important to understand how toxic mothers can affect their children and how it can manifest as anxiety or depression.

(Video) 15 Signs You Were RAISED RIGHT

Let’s start with anxiety. When a child is raised by toxic mother, they often experience a constant sense of uncertainty and fear. This is because the mother’s behavior can be unpredictable and can change quickly.

The child may never know what will trigger her anger or disappointment, and this can create a constant state of anxiety. This anxiety can continue into adulthood, causing feelings of panic, stress, and worry.

These feelings can be debilitating and can affect every aspect of a person’s life, from relationships to work to daily activities.

Depression is also a common result of being raised by a toxic mother. Children who grow up with a toxic mother often feel neglected, unsupported, and unimportant.

They may feel like they are constantly criticized or rejected, leading to feelings of worthlessness and sadness. This can lead to depression and a persistent feeling of hopelessness.

The child may struggle to find meaning or joy in life, and may feel like they are stuck in a cycle of negativity. This can also impact their self-esteem and ability to form healthy relationships with others.

[Read: 6 Traits of Subtly Toxic Friends]


It’s important to mention that, not all mothers are toxic, and not all children who are raised by toxic mothers are affected in the same way, but when a mother is toxic, the child may suffer from a lot of emotional and mental issues in their lives.

I’ll also like to add that toxic mothers are not entirely bad people, they just have their issues and problems that they are unable to cope with, and their children end up bearing the brunt of it.

It takes a lot of courage to admit that you were raised by a toxic mother and to start the healing process. But, it’s a step that can lead to a more fulfilling and happier life.

It’s time to break the cycle of toxic parenting and create a healthier and more loving environment for future generations. This can start with seeking therapy, building a support system, and learning healthy coping mechanisms to help heal.

Healing from this type of upbringing may take a while and a lot of effort, but it’s possible. Just remember that you are not alone in this, and that you deserve to live a happy and healthy life.


What are the effects of growing up with a toxic mother? ›

A toxic mother creates a negative home environment where unhealthy interactions and relationships damage a child's sense of self and their views of relationships with others. Over time, it increases the risk of poor development in the child's self-control, emotional regulation, social relations, etc1.

What are signs of a toxic mother? ›

Signs you might have a toxic parent include:
  • They're self-centered. They don't think about your needs or feelings.
  • They're emotional loose cannons. They overreact, or create drama.
  • They overshare. ...
  • They seek control. ...
  • They're harshly critical. ...
  • They lack boundaries.

Was I raised by a toxic mother? ›

However, a toxic mom will lash out at her child every time she is upset. Sometimes it might even turn into frequent verbal and physical abuse. These are clear signs your mother resents you. She doesn't have the ability to resolve conflicts with her children in a healthy manner.

How a toxic mother affects a daughter? ›

Impacts on Adult Daughters

The damage from a toxic mother can also lead to lifelong struggles with self-image, communication with others, mental illness like depression and anxiety, addiction problems, eating disorders, relationship issues, and more.

What do toxic mothers say? ›

The most common toxic behavior of parents is to criticize their child, express self-wishes, complain about the difficulties of raising a child, make unhealthy comparisons, and make hurtful statements1. What is this?

Did I grew up in a toxic household? ›

Feelings of extreme anxiety, low self-esteem, worthlessness, difficulty trusting others, maintaining close relationships, or feeling worn out after a visit with your family are all signs you grew up in a toxic family.

What is a unicorn mom? ›

Urban Dictionary, the online home for slang words and phrases, defines unicorn mom as: "a mother who's not perfect, enjoys alcohol, has a sense of humor and couldn't care less what you think."

What does a controlling mother look like? ›

MD. Overbearing mothers hover, criticize, and overstep boundaries, which can lead to a host of challenges for their adult children including low self-esteem, dependence, and perfectionism. These mothers may think they are doing what's best for their children, but ultimately their hovering causes harm.

What is cold mother syndrome? ›

Emotionally absent or cold mothers can be unresponsive to their children's needs. They may act distracted and uninterested during interactions, or they could actively reject any attempts of the child to get close. They may continue acting this way with adult children.

What does a narcissistic mother say? ›

You knew I didn't like it, but you still did it to hurt me.” “You only think about yourself.” “You always look for attention.” “You don't deserve everything that I have done for you.”

What is a toxic narcissist mother? ›

A narcissistic mother may feel entitled or self-important, seek admiration from others, believe she is above others, lack empathy, exploit her children, put others down, experience hypersensitivity to criticism, believe she deserves special treatment, and worst of all, maybe naïve to the damage she is causing.

Is my mom toxic or am I overreacting? ›

According to experts, a major key to distinguishing the two is looking at how long the strife lasts. If things are nasty between you in many different areas of the relationship for years at a time, the relationship itself might be toxic. But if there's only one, sudden issue, that's probably more benign.

How does a mother gaslight her daughter? ›

A gaslighting parent consistently denies or disputes a child's experiences or feelings, making the child doubt their recollection so that they can escape responsibility for their actions1.

What are the psychological effects of a bad mother? ›

Some common reactions to growing up with a toxic mother include anxiety and depression during childhood and adulthood. People raised in toxic families may also be more prone to drug and alcohol abuse and may also have difficulties in personal relationships.

What does mother daughter codependency look like? ›

Codependent parents rely on their children to give to them, instead of giving to their children. This is known as parentification. By continually showing your child that you were a victim, you're relying on them to give you the emotional support you need.

What is a gaslighting mother? ›

What are some examples of gaslighting parents? If a parent repeatedly denies or disputes your experiences or your feelings about them, makes you doubt or feel bad about yourself, or tries to relinquish responsibility for something he or she did by blaming you—those are all signs of gaslighting.

What is a vindictive mother? ›

A vindictive parent can mean a lot of things. They may be vindictive towards you (the other parent), aiming to make life miserable for you. Or they might be vindictive in ways that put your child in the middle of conflict, or worse—hurt the child emotionally.

What happens when a child is constantly criticized? ›

The risk with constant criticism is that children will be more likely to redirect their behaviour to avoid that criticism, rather than because of a more intrinsic sense of the 'right' thing to do. This doesn't mean that we always lift them over their mistakes, and out of the way of discomfort.

What does an unhealthy household look like? ›

A dysfunctional family is characterized by “conflict, misbehavior, or abuse” [1]. Relationships between family members are tense and can be filled with neglect, yelling, and screaming. You might feel forced to happily accept negative treatment. There's no open space to express your thoughts and feelings freely.

How do you know if you had a toxic childhood? ›

A toxic childhood could include any of the following experiences: Your emotional needs weren't met by caretakers. Your parents were controlling, neglectful, or overprotective. You experienced abuse (e.g. physical, verbal, emotional, sexual).

What is toxic childhood syndrome? ›

Toxic stress response can occur when a child experiences strong, frequent, and/or prolonged adversity—such as physical or emotional abuse, chronic neglect, caregiver substance abuse or mental illness, exposure to violence, and/or the accumulated burdens of family economic hardship—without adequate adult support.

What is a dolphin mom? ›

The dolphin parent is ... authoritative in nature. Like the body of the dolphin, they are firm yet flexible. Dolphin parents have rules and expectations but also value creativity and independence. They are collaborative and use guiding and role modelling to raise their kids.

What is Panda parenting? ›

According to Yahoo!, panda parenting is all about “gently guiding your little one, as opposed to shoving them down the parenting path”. In other words, a panda parent is one who gives their kids the freedom to do things their own way.

What is a crunchy mom meaning? ›

I learned that the definition of a “crunchy mom” is a mom who practices natural parenting or, as defined by one website, a “neo-hippie.” So basically if you are a crunchy mom, you typically give birth at home (or in a meadow or river or something), cloth-diaper your babes, prepare all your own organic baby foods, co- ...

What personality disorder does a controlling mother have? ›

A mother with narcissistic personality disorder cannot give their children adequate attention and nurturing. Their entitlement often results in them mistreating their children. Additionally, a narcissistic mother will tend to use her children as a prop or device to meet her own needs.

What are signs of a manipulative mother? ›

What it looks like
  • You often feel tricked or pressured into doing things.
  • It seems as if you can't do anything right.
  • It no longer seems possible to say no.
  • They often twist the truth.
  • You often feel guilty or confused.
  • Your efforts never seem good enough.
Jul 21, 2020

What do manipulative mothers do? ›

In most cases, manipulative parents refer to parents who use covert psychological methods to control the child's activities and behavior in such a way as to prevent the child from becoming an independent adult apart from their control.

What is a snowplow mom? ›

Snowplow parenting, also called lawnmower parenting or bulldozer parenting, is a parenting style that seeks to remove all obstacles from a child's path so they don't experience pain, failure, or discomfort.

What is unloved daughter syndrome? ›

Lack of trust. With an emotionally unreliable mother or one who is combative or hypercritical, the daughter learns that relationships are unstable and dangerous, and that trust is ephemeral and can't be relied on.

What happens when a child is unloved? ›

“Children who are not raised in safe, loving, respectful, and consistent environments tend to grow up feeling very unsafe and untrusting,” explains Manly. As a result, they tend to experience challenges trusting themselves and others throughout life.

What kind of childhood trauma causes narcissism? ›

Narcissism tends to emerge as a psychological defence in response to excessive levels of parental criticism, abuse or neglect in early life. Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood.

How do daughters of narcissistic mothers act? ›

Daughters of narcissistic mothers often become enmeshed with their parent, losing contact with their true self and growing up without boundaries and without the ability to recognise or nurture healthy relationships.

What are the 3 types of a daughter narcissistic mother relationship? ›

According to Dr. Malkin, there are three basic types of narcissistic parents — classic (extroverted), covert (introverted) and communal. It's important to understand these different types so you can better understand (and heal) from your experience growing up.

What are the 6 types of narcissistic mothers? ›

That said, the six faces of maternal narcissism are identified as: the flamboyant-extrovert, the accomplishment-oriented, the psychosomatic, the addicted, the secretly mean, and the emotionally needy. A parent can be a mixture of these types and often that is the case.

How do narcissistic mothers treat their children? ›

A narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and being the primary decision maker in the child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and excessive control disempowers the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of themselves.

What is emotional abuse from a narcissistic mother? ›

Emotionally invalidates, guilt-trips and gaslights her children. A childs reactions to her narcissistic mothers abuse are frequently met with invalidation, shaming and further gaslighting. The narcissistic mother lacks empathy for the feelings of her children and fails to consider their basic needs.

What does mom rage look like? ›

Cue the cabinet slamming, yelling, or stomping around the room as you let your partner know just how upset you are. Because that's the thing about mom rage: It's a kind of seething — but also surprising — rage that can feel very difficult to control. And it can be set off by the smallest of things.

When your mother plays the victim? ›

A mother's role-playing has direct effects on the child that can be long-lasting and highly damaging. Children of mothers who play the victim may feel inadequate and struggle to maintain boundaries, recognize the abuse, and voice their needs.

What does mom guilt look like? ›

Mom guilt — or mommy guilt — is the name given to the feelings of guilt women experience in relation to their kids. New mothers are particularly susceptible to mom guilt. They constantly worry about making mistakes and try to get everything right. Mom guilt comes from an unrealistic ideal of a perfect mom.

What are common gaslighting phrases? ›

7 Common Gaslighting Phrases, And How to Respond
  • “That's not what happened” ...
  • “This is your own fault.” ...
  • “I did that because I was trying to help you.” ...
  • “It's not that big of a deal!” ...
  • “You're overthinking it.” ...
  • “It was just a joke!” ...
  • “You're too emotional.”
Aug 10, 2022

What is gaslighting by narcissistic mother? ›

Gaslighting' is a strange-sounding term which refers to the way in which abusers such as Narcissistic Mothers lie to you, by word or deed, intentionally or not intentionally, to convince you that your version of reality is not right.

What are the long term effects of childhood gaslighting? ›

The long-term effects of gaslighting may include anxiety, depression, trauma, and low self-esteem. Gaslighting often appears in abusive relationships but also takes place in other contexts. People from marginalized groups are especially vulnerable.

How should a toxic mother behave? ›

10 tips for dealing with toxic parents
  1. Stop trying to please them. ...
  2. Set and enforce boundaries. ...
  3. Don't try to change them. ...
  4. Be mindful of what you share with them. ...
  5. Know your parents' limitations and work around them — but only if you want to. ...
  6. Have an exit strategy. ...
  7. Don't try to reason with them.

What are the long term effects of toxic parents? ›

Toxic parents can have negative effects on children throughout their lifespan, including mental health disorders, depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol use, etc. Young children often show signs early on that their relationship with their parents is affecting their mental and physical health.

What childhood trauma causes codependency? ›

Childhood trauma is often a root cause of codependency. They don't always result, but for many people codependent relationships are a response to unaddressed past traumas. One reason may be that childhood trauma is usually family-centered: abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or even just divorce and fighting.

What is a dysfunctional mother daughter relationship? ›

Dysfunctional mother-daughter relationships can come in many forms. Often it can take form in criticism, where a daughter feels like she's constantly getting negative feedback from her maternal figure. Sometimes, it can take the form of detachment. “Some women are simply not close to their mothers,” says Wernsman.

What is an enmeshed daughter? ›

The daughter who is her mother's companion to replace her absent father may over identify with the mother's anger and distrust of men and relationships. She may overeat as a way to exert control in the face of feeling smothered by her mothers' neediness.

What are the psychological effects of toxic parents? ›

Children of abusive parents are more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you are a sensitive person, and in case, if you make mistakes that upset your parents, you can become overly self-critical and blame yourself for everything.

How do I heal myself from a toxic mother? ›

Try to remember good things, too.
  1. Educate yourself about the problems you've identified so far. ...
  2. Examine your relationships with other people in your life. ...
  3. Validate and process your emotions. ...
  4. Examine your limiting beliefs. ...
  5. Reconnect with your inner child. ...
  6. Find the direction in which you want your life to develop.

How do you deal with an emotionally toxic mother? ›

10 tips for dealing with toxic parents
  1. Stop trying to please them. ...
  2. Set and enforce boundaries. ...
  3. Don't try to change them. ...
  4. Be mindful of what you share with them. ...
  5. Know your parents' limitations and work around them — but only if you want to. ...
  6. Have an exit strategy. ...
  7. Don't try to reason with them.

What is the mom syndrome? ›

Mommy guilt syndrome (MGS) is a special exception to the rule. In this extreme type of useless and plaguing guilt, one is able to feel guilty over such things as eating, hygiene, exercise, sleep, emptying of the bladder and a barrage of other necessary daily functions.

What does a manipulative parent look like? ›

Aggressive manipulation tends to involve more obvious attempts to control your behavior, including: shaming or mocking you. scapegoating, or blaming you when things go wrong. put-downs, insults, harsh criticisms, and other tactics designed to make you feel inferior.

What are things toxic parents do? ›

Toxic parents may invade your privacy or not allow you to make your own decisions. Or maybe they're overly critical and controlling of your decisions, even as an adult. Manipulative behaviors. Your parent may try to control you by using guilt or shame to play with your emotions.

How do you heal a toxic mother daughter relationship? ›

If your mother-daughter relationship is a source of anxiety or guilt, here are some ways to improve it.
  1. Let Go of Resentment. ...
  2. Agree to Disagree. ...
  3. Set Reasonable, Effective Boundaries. ...
  4. Find Shared Interests. ...
  5. Work With a Therapist. ...
  6. Find Healing and Growth.
May 5, 2022

What are toxic traits from childhood? ›

A toxic childhood could include any of the following experiences: Your emotional needs weren't met by caretakers. Your parents were controlling, neglectful, or overprotective. You experienced abuse (e.g. physical, verbal, emotional, sexual).

How do I detach from a codependent mother? ›

Examples of Detaching
  1. Focus on what you can control. ...
  2. Respond dont react. ...
  3. Respond in a new way. ...
  4. Allow people to make their own (good or bad) decisions.
  5. Dont give advice or tell people what they should do.
  6. Dont obsess about other peoples problems.
  7. Set emotional boundaries by letting others know how to treat you.
Apr 17, 2017

Is it okay to cut off toxic mom? ›

It's also possible that, even if your parent has good intentions and has addressed their own issues, continuing a relationship with that parent may still feel too triggering for you, Spinazzola says. If that's the case, you have every right to cut ties.

How do you forgive a toxic mother? ›

Forgiving Your Parents
  1. Resolve resentment. Nursing resentments toward a parent does more than keep that parent in the doghouse. ...
  2. Develop realistic expectations. ...
  3. Hold on to the good. ...
  4. Foster true separation. ...
  5. Let your parents back into your heart. ...
  6. Commit to the journey.

Should you leave a toxic mother? ›

It's okay to let go of a toxic parent.

This is such a difficult decision, but it could be one of the most important. We humans are wired to connect, even with people who don't deserve to be connected to us. Sometimes though, the only way to stop the disease spreading is to amputate.


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